Does He Suck or Was It Just an Off Day?
When you’ve been in the dating scene for a while, you’re occasionally bound to question if your standards are too high. I think everyone gets to that point sometimes; dating is taxing and full of relentless disappointment, and witnessing all the seemingly happy and comfortable couples around you makes you wonder if you should just settle. So on dates with new people, we’re often blinded by our own exhaustion and therefore keener to giving someone a second chance even if the first date is straight up terrible. It’s nice to give people the benefit of the doubt occasionally, but it’s also important to know when to stop wasting your time. To do this, you’ll need to learn how to gauge whether the person you went on a bad first date with was just having a bad day, or if they actually straight-up suck.
He acts full of himself. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that if a guy is acting full of himself on a first date, 99% of the time it’s because he’s nervous. A lot of people, especially guys (fragile masculinity and all that) tend to talk themselves up when they’re nervous in an attempt to overcompensate. He’s worried he’s coming off poorly, so he tries to fake confidence in order to hide his insecurity. However, even if you’re fairly sure he’s acting out due to nerves, that doesn’t mean he automatically gets a free pass. For example, if he talks about himself way more than he asks about you. He might ramble on about himself, and that’s not necessarily a red flag. If he doesn’t ask about you just as much, though, he’s not worth it. No matter how nervous someone is on a first date, if they care about your life at all, they will ask. If they don’t, don’t waste your time on them again.
He gets way too drunk. Many of us are guilty of accidentally getting too drunk on a date; Lord knows I am. My best friend recently hung out with a guy who we both found insufferable, but she decided to give him another shot because it was his birthday and he was drunk, and in previous conversations she’d really liked him. I always drink to ease the nerves on a first date (that pre-date shot of vodka is a ritual for me) and it helps me loosen up and get comfortable enough to let conversation flow. However, you don’t want to get too comfortable. I think the judgment call on this one depends on your own feelings about alcohol. If you’ve been there before and regretted it, maybe he’s in the same boat. This is one of those times where giving the benefit of the doubt is probably the right call, as long as you liked him before he started chugging those IPAs.
He talks down to you. Listen. We’ve all been an ass to someone out of insecurity at least once in our lives; it’s unfortunately human nature. But on a good first date, you should be feeling special and interesting, period. If someone is intentionally making you feel bad (dumb, weird, whatever), you have no reason to think they won’t do that in a relationship. First dates are when he’s trying to get you, so if this is his best work, it’s all downhill from here. Next.
He’s rude to other people. This is a big one. If he’s rude to the server, that should set off an alarm in your head that he doesn’t respect people he thinks are below him. Or if it’s a casual hangout situation with other friends and he’s disrespectful or snobby to one of your friends, or even his own- get out. If he’s rude to other people, he will eventually be rude to you. Remember, someone who likes you should be pulling out all the stops on a first date because they’re trying to convince you to go on a second one.
He seems aloof or distracted. He might be distracted by something going on at work, with his family, or countless other possibilities. It could also be chalked up to nerves and insecurity. Or, he might just not be into you. If there is a lot you like about the guy, but he just didn’t seem all there, it may be worth giving him another shot. The key here is to let him take initiative. If he reaches out to you again, it’s very possible he was just having a bad day but is genuinely interested and wants to prove that. If he doesn’t reach out, he’s either lazy or not interested, and in either case you should let go.
He says a lot of stupid shit. I went on a date recently where the guy said, “I don’t understand how a guy can be bisexual. If you’re a dude and you like having sex with other dudes, you’re just gay.” I would consider this to be an example of the stupid shit that is inexcusable. To me, he couldn’t redeem himself after saying something that close-minded. Now, if he’s just rambling and says something dumb that might not necessarily make him a douche, it’s possible that he’s really nice but just nervous. In this case, go with your gut. If you liked him and he just seemed awkward, maybe give him another shot. If he delves into the homophobic, racist, sexist, etc. territory, let’s give him up.
The bottom line is this: use your best judgment and trust your gut. You do not need to be making excuses for someone for the rest of your life, trust me. If the guy seems like a decent person and he was just nervous or made a mistake, consider giving him a chance to make it up to you. Don’t let it keep happening, though. If the second date goes just as poorly, you’d better get back to swiping. There are plenty of men left out there to disappoint you.
